I’m not a writer, never been a writer, never formally trained in “writing”. I wouldn’t consider myself a blogger although I read them daily. I don’t journal often, only on the rare occasion that something has ripped my heart out so passionately that I just “have to” write it down. And even then, sometimes it comes out like a Taylor Swift song. You know the kind about another boyfriend breakup? Yes, I’ve had my share of those. Which means by now, I almost have an entire album. I need to come up with more clever titles though because right now the journal entry is always headed with their name. And not Their Name– but Matthew, Jared, Paul, Mark, and Toby. Their Names – the ones who broke my heart. (Yes, I changed their names for this blog) The ones who took a little (or larger) piece of it with them upon leaving. Who walked away, drove away, or I got on a plane and flew away from. The ones who left holes that make me feel empty, leave me questioning everything a girl questions after she gets dumped.
Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? How come I’m not worth it? What does she (the new girl) have that I don’t? When is it my turn?? And I sit here in coffee shops, in my bedroom, or on an airplane wondering why hasn’t God answered this one prayer in my life? Just this one thing. One little thing, God. Puh-lease? Pretty please? It’s really all I’ve been asking for…for the most part of three years now. If only I had that one person, who’s not currently in my life, that would come into my life, and fully complete it. One person who would make me feel whole, worthy, precious, spoiled, and happy. The one person who would stand beside me, defend me, protect me, and pray with me. The One.
Yet recently, my heart aches with hurt. Not a selfish hurt for myself but a hurt that is so painful, twisted, and deep. First, it was the pain of emotional control. That’s an entire book (notice I didn’t say blog entry…book) in itself. Then, the pain of cheating and scandals and lies. Thirdly, the pain of physical abuse from a family member and the denial of forgiveness. And, most recently, the pain of a decision to choose divorce based on the willingness to be an every-other-week parent or to stick out the marriage. Now as you can tell, these are not all pains from situations I’ve been in personally. These are the wounds that I’ve seen in just a small circle around me, pains and hurt in relationships. What makes my heart twisted and my eyes well up with tears is that these hurts are caused by human beings. And often the human beings that are most closely intertwined with their immediate lives. These are caused by the very people that we should trust and love the most.
We live in a world of so much opportunity, too much social media, and too little loyalty and respect that we are blinded by shiny lights, sparkly new toys, beautiful people, and other earthly distractions. So when I get caught up in the Why Me?, Why are You not answering my prayer for “The One”? I have to change my focus. Shift my thinking. Think a new thought. Make a new blueprint. When I’m turned inward on myself I could only see that I was not getting what I wanted. But God has His hand on my life. I just didn’t see it yet. God is using me, right now, as The One. The One who is stronger, who has experienced those hurts, who can see the Truth from the outside. He is using me to build strength in others, to build confidence in women that they ARE worthy, to believe in others when they don’t believe in themselves. He’s teaching me what marriage would mean for my life and protecting me from those people who are not right for me. I am The One whom He is using to encourage young adults in their dreams, to be on the sidelines or in the pit crew cheering others’ on to their goals. I am The One who is devoted to being the best daughter and the best sister I can be when my family members struggle through a new stage in life. I am The One who said goodbye to my 92-year-old Great Uncle and was able to visit his bedside. I am The One who had the best heart-to-heart, intimate conversation with my Uncle at a time where I could be present with him for hours.
Breathe. Pause. Listen. Have you been looking so hard for The One? The One person? The One job? The One house? The One answer? Looking so hard for too long in all the wrong places, with your blinders on? Have you closed your eyes, your ears, your lips to the opportunities lying at your feet, at your doorstep, on the other end of the phone? Doesn’t it hurt? Isn’t it frustrating? Confusing? ….Scary?
Breathe. Pause. Listen. YOU are The One. YOU are the answer. The answer to her prayer. The answer to his problem. YOU are the comforter, the best friend, the companion, the boss, the cheerleader, the counselor. He has chosen YOU. You are the one who had the experiences you went through in order to help others get through their own struggles. You are the one who can help a friend find some gray when they can only see black and white. You are the one who was meant to be where you are at this exact moment for a specific reason. There is a reason you had that nudge to send a comforting note, text, email. Listen to your heart when it beats a little faster when your coworker is hurting. When you get caught in a moment entirely of your own, take a moment to listen and see whom you could possibly share it with. Are you present? Are you attentive? How can you make someone feel whole, worthy, precious, spoiled, happy? In what part of your day today will you be… The One?